Saturday, 09 May 2015 18:36

1977-1980- Tumultuous Relationship with John Perry

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John was from South Carolina. He called me about a week after I gave him my card and invited me over. We hit it off pretty well physically and continued to see each other for several years. At first he lived just a few blocks away in the upper Haight but eventually moved to another flat off of the Panhandle park. Our relationship was tumultuous to say the least. He did not want a live-in lover and I thought I was okay with that. I ended up spending most of my time at his house anyway but without any of my stuff. In some ways, I felt like I lost my identity during that period. I would only go home for a change of clothes but rarely spent any time there. My relationship with John was unhealthy and in many ways more like an addiction than a healthy relationship.john perry

John was from a generation of Southern Black men that always carried around a little paranoia from their youth in the South. He had participated in the civil rights struggles and would sometimes see racism where there really wasn't any. If I were asked for two pieces of identification at the bank, I just assumed the bank was protecting my assets. If John were asked for two pieces of identification, he saw it as racism. He could be very sweet but he also carried around a lot of anger.

ibeam tix 150The first time I went to Manhatten was with John. He was going to go visit friends of his and had made his arrangements and I saw it as an opportunity and pushed my way into his plans. We stayed with his friends and slept on their living room floor and had to be out of the apartment every morning by eight so that his friend, who was an artist of sorts, could work during the day. That was fine with me, as I was more interested in seeing New York than spending time with his friends anyway!

As time dragged on and I lost myself in John and his life, I became increasingly insecure and clingy. I think that I ultimately did want a live in lover and I was never going to attain that with John. I continued to be pathologically shy with his friends in much the same way that I had been at an earlier time with Jim Archiquette. My social phobias raised their ugly head. I was jealous of his time wtih others and unable to join in comfortably with his social life because of my own issues. I became increasingly desperate and depressed and asked John if he would come to couple's couseling with me to try and work on our relationship. He was bewildered as to why he needed to come to therapy as he was happy with the relationship the way it was and I was the one that had the problem. He had no desire to change himself or accomodate any of my needs. He did come to therapy a couple of times and told the therapist that he wasn't interested in changing and ultimately John was a "take me as I am" kind of guy, or it was :"leave me alone."

John was like an addiction for me, though. It was very hard for me to let him go even though I knew I could never have the kind of relationship I wanted with him.

From my journal 6/7/79: I was watching t.v. when suddently the phone rang. I answered, thinking it was probably Stanley. It was John. We had a long talk during which we exchanged a few verbal blows. He told me I was neurotic, miserable and doomed to insincere lovers who would tell me they loved me would treat me like shit. I told him that he was insensitive,self-centered, negative andthat I demand respect. 

From my journal 6/12/79: This evening John stopped by. Conversation was superficial but pleasant. We went out to have a beer. I realize that I do have deep feelings for John but I know better than to trust him. Tonight was one of his "sweet" nights. 

From my journal 2/8/80: First of all, I am not writing this to convince you of anything. I am stating my feelings. They are not open for argument. When we first went to Jim Weber, I told you that I was there to learn how to make the relationship less painful for me or else I wanted to learn how to end it. I consider our morments with Jim as being some of th emost intimate moments you and I have ever had. They were some of the ost loving moments when I learned more about you than at any other time. I thoughtwe were making great strides toward equality and justice. I caught a glimpse of how much better we could dealwith each other. I am not asking you to come back to see Jim Weber with me. Don't feel like you need to explain why wou won't. I will continue to hope that you do at some pointin time but if you don't, you don't and I have no controlover your decisions. 

I continued in therapy alone, working on my self esteem issues and my "addiction" to John. At some point, he moved to Oakland and it became easier and easier not to see him as often. I had pretty much recovered from the relationship and was moving on when he was diagnosed with a bad heart valve and he reached out to me for support. I went to see him at Stanford Hospital when he had his open heart surgery and was supportive when he came home but did not allow myself to get emotionally wrapped up in him again. We still had some physical relationship now and then but it was more "recreational" than emotional by this point. It was when John was living in Oakland and sometime after his open heart surgery that he found a lesion on his foot and was diagnosed with Kaposi Sarcoma and AIDS. 

John and I would continue to be friends with some occasional "benefits" as they say, but I was finally over him emotionally. I was sorry that he was diagnozed with AIDS and it frightened me to some extent as we had always had unprotected sex early in our relationship, although by the time he was diagnosed, when we did have those few "occasions" of abandon, it was always protected. I don't think the HIV test that would come later had been developed at that time. People were still being diagnosed by symtoms. There were no cures or effective treatments. John kept a good attitude though and continued to be pretty healthy for quite a while after this. Eventually he moved back to the City, I think partly because of his diagnosis and more resources being available in the City. He moved in with some room mates and I would visit once in a while and there were less and less "benefits."

I met Milton about this time and John faded into the background of my life although we continued to be in touch. We got together around the time my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer or about the time she passed away and he made an insensitive comment that infuriated me because I was already dealing with her dying and didn't need his insensitivity on top of that. I quit talking to him and would just hear about him from a mutual friend, Junko, who called me one day to say he had died but it was not the AIDS that had killed him. He had suffered chest pain and had gone to see Dr. Isakson, the same doctor I had been seeing on 18th Street since my twenties and died in the waiting room. His heart had given out. 

 

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1974- On Larkin Street- Click for story.
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Article

01. Introduction

03- Dads Family

03- Photos of my Father and his family

04- My Mother's Family

04- Photos of my Mom

04- Video of my Mom

04- Walling Family Reunions

04-Audio Files of My Mom

04. Billie

04. Ole

04.1. Forbidden Dreams of Love

04.2. Flames of Forbidden Love

04.3 Mom Writing Her Life Story

05- Jim Tarbert

05. Roger

1950's Grandview to Toppenish

1957-1958 1st Grade

1958-1959- Third Grade

1959- Palouse

1961- 4th Grade- Last time I wore a dress

1962- Abilene

1963- Escondido- Early 60's

1964- Darlene Marries Chuck

1964- My Beatle Haircut

1964-The Luv Please

1965 or 1966- Steve Castle

1965- In Foster Care

1966 Living with Darlene & Chuck in Seattle

1967- Juvenile Hall

1976- I Praise Thee (poem to Stanley)

1976- My Second Lover, Stanley Dunne

1976- Paul McCartney and Wings

1976-1330 Bush Street #9J

1977- 1667 Haight Street

1977- Trip to San Diego with Mary Jo

1977-1980- Tumultuous Relationship with John Perry

1978- 525 Haight Street

1979- September- Dad is Murdered

1980's- AIDS- Death and Dying

1980- Winter- First Trip to New York

1980- Word, Sound and Power

1981- Milton- Falling in Love

1982-1993 465 Waller Street

1982-1994 Computers to MacNursing

1984- 33rd Birthday

1985- Graduation from Nursing School

1985- Trip to Hawaii (Oahu)

1988- MIdnight Caller

1989- Earthquake!

1991- Aug 10th- Mom Passes Away

1991- Black Males in Oils

1991- Crack of My Life

1993- Move to Vallejo & Our First Home

1995-1. Road Trip to Washington

1995-2. Surprise Trip to Vegas

1995-3. Grandmother Rogers & Aunts Visit Darlene's

1995-4. Amber

1998- Camping at Russian River

2000 -Thoughts about Progressive Christians

2000- Resignation from John George

2001- April- Trip to Cancun

2001- Peace and Justice

2001- September 11th

2002- April-Puerto Vallarta & Blue Bay Getaway

2002- Nov 12th- My Stepfather, George McHenry Passes Away

2003- Trip to D.C. and N.Y.

2004- Feb- Road Trip to Baha Mexico

2004- Walling Family Reunion in Spokane

2005- Christmas Poem

2005- Darlene Visit for Pride Celebration

2005- Trip to Orlando

2005-1. Europe- London

2005-2. Europe- Paris

2005-3. Europe- Venice

2005-4. Europe- Florence

2005-5. Europe- Rome

2005-6. Europe- Athens

2005-7. Knee Surgery & Tongue Biopsy

2006 Christmas Poem

2006- February 23- Times Herald

2006- Palm Springs White Party

2006- Trip to Seattle

2006-July 8th Solano Peace and Justice Coalition BBQ

2007- Feb- Carnival Destiny- Our First Cruise

2007- Tre and Casey Visit

2008- Aug 15-18 Spokane Visit

2008- Psycho Song

2009- Honored by Vallejo Gay Network

2009- Women in Oils

2010 Christmas Poem

2010- Feb. R.C. Mariner of the Seas Mexican Riviera Cruise

2010- June 24- Badlands

2010- Trip to Seattle

2010-1. Europe- Amsterdam

2010-2. Europe- Paris

2010-3. Europe- Barcelona & Sitges

2010-4. Europe- Madrid

2011-1. Feb. My Fabulous 60th Birthday Weekend

2011-2. April- L.A., Palm Springs & "The White Party"

2011-3. Poem- Girl From Medical Lake

2011-4. Old Man Dancing

2011-5. May- Misty and Alex Visit

2011-6. August- Darlene and Sean's Visit

2011-7. Alex 16-18 & Pics

2012- March- Carnival Splendor Mexican Riviera with Family

2013- Wedding

2014- Christmas Poem

2014- First Gay Cruise

2014- September Road Trip to San Diego

2015- Seasonal Affective Blues

2015- Second Gay Cruise

2015- War on Christmas poem

2015-"Badlands" and Gay Bar Etiquette

2015-September 8. Political History

2016 Do Not Speak for Gay Males

2016- April- Palm Springs RV Adventure

4/4/2016- Not Going Along to Get Along

9/4/15- Liberals vs Conservatives

2014- Road trip to San Diego- Click for story.
Forbidden Dreams of Love- Click for story.
1974- First Trip to Europe- Click to read story.
Darlene Marries Chuck- Click for story.
Earthquake! Click to read story.
1964- Luv Please- Click for story.
My Dad's Family- Click for story.
2001 Trip to Cancun- Click to read story.
1967- Summer of Love- Click to read story.
Second Gay Cruise- Click for story.
Photos of Dad & His Family- Click for story.
My Mother- Click for more photos.
Black Men in Oils- Click to read story
Me in my 20's in 1970's- Click for story.
2015- 2nd Gay Cruise- Click for story.
Palouse- Click for story
2005- Darlene Visits for Gay Pride- Click to read story.
Women in Oils- Click for story
Summer of Love- Click to read story.
1974- On Larkin Street- Click for story.
Click to read "Introduction."
Cockettes & Angels of Light- Click for story
The Psychedelic Experience- Click to read story.
4th Grade- Click for story.
1982-1993 Waller Street- Click to read story.
5th Grade in Abilene Tx- Click for story
Beatle haircut- Click for story.
Amber- Click to read story.
1958-1959- 3rd Grade- Click to read story.
Escondido 1960's- Click for story
2005 Darlene Visit for Gay Pride- Click for story.
Me in 3rd grade- Click for story.
Me in first grade- Click for story.
1973- Psych Tech Program- Click for story.
Where I was born- Click for story.
1957-1958 1st Grade- Click to read story.
2001 Trip to Cancun- Click to read story.
1973 "You have to be hurt..." Click to read the story.
Gay Disco 70's- Click for story
1970's Promiscuity- Click for story.
2015- 2nd Gay Cruise- Click to read story.
Grandview- Click for story